By Mistik Publish on July 14, 2020
I dont really know how to begin, by all accounts anyone who see’s me from the outside thinks I have it all, good job, good car, expensive clothes, family, friends yet its all a mask I want people to see, as i’m afraid of revealing the real me.
The truth is i’m not the happy person I make out to be, that people see, to be completely honest I must be suffering from depression or something, yet I have been bought up in the type of society, where if I did tell anyone I was depressed, I would be seen as week, and as an embarassement to my family.
Since i’ve been young, all Ive done is try and impress my family, and by all accounts people would say I have some good accomplishments, such as making my own game, having a successful career at a very young age, and earning more than all my peers. But the simple truth is, money doesnt matter, I dont care for it, I dont feel truly happy at all, most people dont probably care about me at all.
All I want is to feel normal for once, to have people who actually care about me to talk to, yet all my relations feel superficial to me, as though people dont really care about ME as a person, and instead care about what i’ve done.
I make games for people to play and have fun, and I talk to alot of people online, to share my games, so they can also socialise and have fun. But I also discovered the real reason I was obsessed with making games was because I needed to validate myself. All those years during which my parents criticized me, made me believe that I wasn’t enough. I wanted to build a large game, to prove people wrong.
Since making games, what I enjoyed was being part of communities online, and actually feeling valued and having fun for once, I had alot of fun with people I met in 2015-2017, however it was short lived as most of them quit/moved on. I tried to make some new friends in 2018, yet due to some decisions that I took I messed it all up.
It was all ego. All of it. And the actual me, was somewhere underneath that. I was ruining peoples fun, simply due to the fact, that I didnt get accepted into the community, and it my fucked up mind at the time, I even somehow justified it, I mean I had no one to question my decisions, no one to talk to, no one to advise me, I was upset with rejection.
Furthermore, maybe a year later I made some friends who didnt know what I did previously, and it was chill, I started to have fun again, yet it was short lived, due to my past actions, the people who I had hurt turned those people against me, for a mistake I made, and those new friends stopped being friends with me just because of what they had heard about me.
Truth is, thats what I hate about everything, is people judging me, before they even know me, judging people on something they had known from others, without getting to know me, as I feel like if they got to know me atleast they would see i’m not a bad as they think.
The simple fact is, I just wanted to be accepted like everyone else, to have a normal life, yet i’m never treated like everyone else, people exclude me from events, simply because of things they heard about me online, when I have never done anything to them.
Its just that the type of life I live, I travel alot, I dont get to see people as much as I want, unless its for work, so alot of my time is also spent online, and to have people hate me for no reason, other than the fact they heard someone else say something about me, and they exclude me from things for this reason was just upsetting.
This year I realised I was running out of fuel. In June 2020, I found myself standing at the balcony of a friends apartment, contemplating suicide. There was 2 reasons why I didnt jump, firstly I thought my landing could maybe hurt someone, and it would be unfair for me todo that, and secondly I still felt like I owed alot to the people I hurt, and I should try and fix things first.
I realise, im not a good person, and theres so much I have done that I regret, and im trying to fix, I have been trying so hard to improve, yet people hold my past against me, and I really dont know what todo anymore, people turning friends against me, even though I havent spoken to those people, just hurts so fucking much. All I want is to just be normal like everyone else, and to just be accepted, but I realise that with everything I’ve done, its hard for people todo that, and for that I just want to say i’m so sorry to everyone I may have hurt.